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I never have time for anything!

I hate having to be busy all the time, but in the long run, I know it's worth it. I wish I had time to keep writing, something I really love, and something that helps me stay together in one piece, but goodness, have I been sooo busy. I just hope the next months fly by fast because I am getting really tired, emotionally and physically. I really want to start a music project with someone, and sing along to an acoustic guitar. I want to paint my walls in bright colors and I want to make cute clothes. I wish I had time for things like that, like I used to. I am tired of growing up, I wan to stay young while I can. It seems like I am done with my youth, like that was it. No more fun and games for you, no more free time. On top of all of that, I am ultimately depressed all the time. I want someone to be with me constantly, and I have no one to fit the description of comfort anymore. Cole? What the fuck... dead. Beki? DEAD. Alejandra? SO DEAD. Who do I have left now? I am no one, with nothing. I want to be happy! I want to be so happy, but I can't anymore. I am incapable of anything right now, but work work work and school school school.

The Needlecrafter

Your body is dismantled across my carpeted floor.
What a mess, oh, what a mess I've made.
My guilty hands can fix this.

I'm the Needle crafter.
Hand me a needle.
Fetch me some thick thread.
How could I ever peace this back correctly?

Let's start with your legs, let's start with a foundation.
The miles you walked to reach me, when I never had enough to give.
With all I have gained, I won't miss a stitch.

Your hips are shattered, your back is torn apart.
The stance of a brave man was broken by the stance of a joke.
Know no fear, with all I have gained, I won't miss a stitch.

Your chest pieces are cold.
Once so full of pride, have given up on me.
but, you know, with all I have gained, I won't miss a stitch.

Your fragile face, I can't bare to see so separated and extended.
The face that glowed for me, only the best in this morph was crumbled by the negativity I enforced, the darkness I passed down.
How could I ever repay you?
With all that I have gained, I won't miss a stitch.
With all that I have gained, I won't miss a stitch.


All these particles create one big mess.
In front of me is yesterday and tomorrow.
In front of me is never.
My throat strives for air.
"Give me a break"
A grasp of air determines the strength I will never receive.
It feels so good to have this type of personal power.
And they still ask why I look so good.
If only they knew, if only.
I just got news from Cole that he wants nothing to do with me anymore, and it's for the better, and I want to feel good, and I want to feel new, but I feel so empty. Cole has been there for me through everything. I don't know anything other than Cole, so where does that leave me now? His exact words where, " Do you love me? Because I can tell that you don't, and my fear of your friends bringing you more happiness than I could ever begin to offer is coming true, and I have nothing left for me to give to you. So, if you really don't love me, that's okay. I just want you to leave me alone, so you can get back to living a stress free life." I wanted to cry, but I had to hold it in, because he's right. He really has nothing to offer me anymore, but I still love him with every inch of me I have left. Cole is my first everything, my first always, my first forever, and I don't know how to handle this situation. We are talking less, and not communicating the way we where. I want him back, but I know I won't have him back this time. It's serious this time. I want to move on, and I have the ability to move on, just not the motivation. I want him to try to get me back, but he's already given up. I surrender to everything. I am nothing but a weakling. I am nothing but a failure. I am nothing but nothing.
    I lost the game, and not the one that makes me say "GOD DAMN IT!" after one of my friends saying it. I really am loosing this game. I feel like she has stolen a lot of things in my life that I held on to so long, just to see her shred them up into millions of worthless scarps of paper. I don't have anyone close anyone, and I have no respect for any one any longer. I just want to eliminate her, but she's spreading like wildfire, and I can't do anything about it because I am too far away.


    Last night was by far the best night of my life. Not only did I get to see my favorite musician in the world, but I actually talked to him! And this was way better than the Circa show. During "Dear Child (I've been dying to reach you)" he held my hand at least twice and let me sing onto the microphone. It was really nice, and he was just right on me, I loved it. Then when he left, the crowd got crazy and started chanting "ONE MORE SONG" until we could barely scream it any longer, and luckily he came back out and played my two favorite Circa songs, "Kicking Your Crosses Down" and "Meet Me in Montauk". He then again held my hand during "Kicking" which made me happy because I touched his dick during the same long earlier in the year. Hmmm, meant for each other, maybe? After the show, we just hung around the Ottobar and got to talk/hang out with Good Old War, which is now my favorite band! And hopefully, they might play at Pinetree fest! We aren't sure yet. Then Anthony Green came out, and he signed my AP magazine, and Nico's soccer picture since he missed the show. I told him the story about how Nico worships him and how he wants to play the "Devil's Song" at his Talent Show. He thought it was awesome, and then we took a picture together. I needed this night more than anything.

two more days!

    This week has dragged on forever, and I am really glad it's over. It's been tragedy after tragedy, and you know what, I am done carrying! I am going to hang out with an amazing boy at an amazing place tonight and do amazing things, and that will make me feel so much better! Let's not forget that I am going to see THE MAN OF MY DREAMS on Sunday :) I am really glad that I am rekindling a somewhat broken relationship with one of my friends from last year, because it seems we have a lot more common now than ever, and I will enjoy having someone else to talk to than the same people, not that it bothers me, I just need more variety, and more insight.
    School is hard, but it's supposed to be! I love my World History teacher, Mrs. Kimble. She is pretty much the definition of genius, in my opinion. We always spend the class talking about really big issues or things that relate to our studies from the modern world, and she is indeed an intellectual. She also loves BAGHDAD HIGH! One of my favorite movies, and hopefully I can convince her to show it to the class to show how it really is over enemy lines, because I think that American teenagers need to know about this stuff, because we need to know who we are harming. I am just in such a little intellectual state in my life right now, and I love it. Mrs. Kimble has helped a lot to advance my knowledge a step further.
    I finally got a job at Weis and I am so relieved because I really need a source of income, not including daddy. I think I start next week, and the pay is good, so I am totally stoked on making back. Now, it will be easier to save up the money to go back to California for Thanksgiving. Okay, that's it, I need to shutup!


    Right when I thought that I was going to be boy free for a while, shit happens. I can't believe I am losing it right now. I didn't think I would ever have another love interest than Cole, but it hit me right away that there is one other person, that I might be into and be somewhat happy with that person. I don't know what to do! I love Cole, but the other guy always puts me in a good mood and is always around, and it seems likes HE WANTS to be around. It's just blah blah blah. Maybe I am exaggerating, but I don't I am. This is shitty.

somewhat better,

    Yesterday morning, I came to this huge realization that I don't really have it as bad as a lot of people, and that I should be happy reguardless whoever goes against me.  I was just riding my bike around the neiggborhood and it hit me, that I might have changed for the worse lately, like I have become somewhat selfish and was my whole mind was wrapped around my self image, but I am through with it. I should be happy with what I have, and I shouldn't have to worry about things like loosing 15 pounds before homecoming or how my makeup should look on what day with what outfit. Don't get me wrong, I still love that I actually have a sense of style, but I don't have to base my life around it, because it makes me feel lifeless. I want to focus on myself as a being trying to work on things to make her happy. So, I have decided I am going to remodel my basement and create a real sewing studio, and I have a few projects up my sleeves. I wasn't sure the guys would go for it at first, but I talked to Bob and Jon about the idea I had of helping them have t-shirts not only appealing for Men ( the traditional band tee), but I want to make a specific line for girls, because I know (from my past) that I buy band shirts and only wear them once or twice because of the fact that they are band tees. They aren't really flattering or made for the woman body. So, I decided I want to make a specific line for woman with the band name and their design of choice, but I wanted to add a little flare, a little style in them. It's going to be a really fun project for me, because I have never done a thing like that before, so things are really going well.


    You know when you hit that really great high, but always have to come down with a really low low? This is my case for now. I have been so happy this week and by the time Friday rolled around, I was just depressed and I know the reason why, or better to say the person why.  I am not a girl to get over things easily, even if I am apologetic. I have found some news lately that have really affected the way I view two people that I was finally beginning to forgive again. It pisses me off because the girl involved in all this mess has done the same thing twice, and she completely knows it. She has not only hurt 2 girls, but 2 very strong relationships. The funny thing is that both girls are Virgos and both boys are Sagittarius. It's like she is aiming for me and Kathy(using a fake name to not reveal her identity). When is this madness going to stop? Is there a jealousy issue I am facing here, or just a completely idiotic maniac? Because either one really makes sense. I just want her to realize that guys don't really necesarily lust for her, personality wise. They just lust for her physically, and who wouldn't with jugs like that? Too bad her jugs are as big as her stomach.  Everyone knows she is an easy target because shes makes herself the village bicycle!  Kathy and I have now created an alliance to take down her evil ways once I visit this December, and we aren't joking around. This is serious. This is real. She is messing with the wrong girls.